Zach told me that I better kill that spider or else! OR ELSE! He also requested photographic evidence after the deed was done. Apparently I can't be trusted to kill spiders. Pshaw. I mustered up all the courage I had and began my mission. Below is the detailed outline I provided aftewards.
Step 1 - Move the coffee table and couch
Step 2 - Tell the dogs I love them and that if something should happen, they should move on and be happy. Same for the husband.
Step 3 - Decide on a murder weapon.
Step 4 - Debate between a broom and the Swiffer. The Swiffer has a rather large, flat surface, it wins.
Step 5 - Carefully position Kitchen Chair.
Step 6 - Grab large amounts of paper towel, pre wad.
Step 7 - Consider putting on rubber boots. Decide that's probably silly (and I can't remember where they are). Get on chair and carefully position Swiffer.
Step 8 - SMASH!
Step 9 - Scream, Scare dogs.
Step 10 - Assess Damage.
Step 11 - OHMYGOD HES STILL ALIVE!!!!!
Step 12 - Scream, Scare dogs.
Step 13 - Carefully re-position Swiffer.
Step 14 - SMASH!
Step 15 - HOLYSHIT ITS STILL ALIVE AND SLOWLY FALLING TOWARD THE FLOOOR! This spider is made of iron!
Step 16 - AH! It stopped!
Step 17 - More screaming.
Step 18 - Swing swiffer at spider.
Step 19 -Watch with baited breath as spider falls to the floor.
Step 20 - Spider blessedly, luckily, thankfully falls on a miscellaneous piece of paper that was under the couch. Likely the remains of one of Destructo-Dogs escapades.
Step 21 - One more scream for good measure. Demonic smashing of the Swiffer onto the paper.
Step 22 - Use pre-wadded paper towel to ensure spiders death.
Step 23 - Hold paper towel out as far as humanly possible and samper to trash can.
Step 24 - Apologize to traumatized dogs.
Step 25 - Check to make sure neighbors didn't see.
Oh yeah. Watch out spideys!